The following is a review of three Harrison Ford movies in the order that I saw them.

1.The Fugitive: Have you seen this movie? Do you have a television set? I bet The Fugitive is on right now! In this movie, Harrison plays Dr. Richard Kimball, who is awesome and gets framed for the murder of his wife. He then escapes from a prision bus, saves one of the other prisoner’s lives, saves a guard’s life, and runs through the forest like a lynx. Tommy Lee Jones trys to stop Harrison Ford, because he’s the law, and the law hates fugitives. They meet face to face at the top of a super scary dam, but Harrison jumps into the dam because he knows that his innocence will protect him like a waterproof life jacket/parachute. Harrison starts to sovle the mystery of the death of his wife. Tommy Lee Jones is hot on his trail. This movie helps us all realize that people with one arm can commit all kinds of mischeif. And pharmaceutical companies will kill your wife if you don’t like their drugs. This movie is great.

Score (Relative to HF movies): A

2.Firewall: Have you seen this one? Please don’t. This is a terrible movie. Harrison Ford plays a growley growlbear father in Seattle. He just growls all the time at his nice but annoying wife and kids. His wife is an architect and the movie wants to think this is an important plot point, but it’s not. Don’t bother looking at her stupid blueprints. Harrison works at a bank as the chief of bank security. His job functions include growling about security and growling about the beauracary that threatens the security of the bank. An evil and dashing British man wants to rob this bank. At this point in the movie, you might get excited and think that it’s going to be like Hackers or The Net starring Sandra Bullock, but it’s not. The robber, instead of robbing the bank the hi-tech way you would think in a movie called Firewall, just kidnapps growley and his stupid family and tries to make old growljowls teach him how to rob the bank in a high tech fashion. There is actually no firewall in the movie. No hacking scenes. Just crap. In the end there’s a big shoot out at an abandoned house. Does Harrison ford have an agent? I would like to speak with him. Agent? Harrison Ford is not Nicholas Cage. He doesn’t have to take every single movie deal. Even if the poster looks cool, with binary code and Harrison’s angry glower, you don’t have to do the movie. You can just live off of cable companies replaying The Fugitive. Harrison Ford, stop being in crap.

Score (Relative to HF movies): F

3.Presumed Innocent: This is a HF movie based on a book by Scott Turrow. I hate Scott Turrow because I read the book One L a week before law school and it made me realize that I’d made a huge mistake – not only did law school sound crappy, but I certainly didn’t want to hang out with people that sound like Scott Turrow, all taking about the law all the time and implications and stuff. Anyway. I don’t know if you noticed but I’m calling Harrison “HF” now. Anyway, in this movie HF is a prosecutor who gets blamed for the murder of another prosecutor who was also his hot hot love mistress. There is some classic HF growling and frowning in this movie. We watched some clips from this movie in Evidence class, so I guess it has some educational value. Don’t worry about that though. The best part of the movie is Raul Julia. He gets it done with class as HF’s criminal defense attorney. He’s very dashing and polite and full of legal tricks. I love Raul Julia. I liked Presumed Innocent but it wasn’t as suspensful and awesome as The Fugitive. Also, it takes place in Chicago but Chicago seems better in The Fugitive. All in all this movie is creepy and scared Matt Perkins [ed: Amy's husband] a little bit.

Score (Relative to HF movies): B+

[reprinted with permission from mightyamy.com]

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